In the next few days, I’m coming up on 24 years since the major loss I had in my life. This is a good reminder to have conversations around grief and death anniversaries. Some people don’t acknowledge them at all and others find them especially hard; some might even wish to “celebrate” them or honor their loved one on that day. Personally, I’ve always taken “note” of this time of year and it is definitely something that I don’t disregard or ignore.
That being said, each year has honestly looked and felt different. Ranging from essentially a refusal to acknowledge the day to having complete and utter melt downs with difficulty working or completing daily tasks, sometimes even for weeks in anticipation of the day.
My point on this is to illustrate that it may change and flow differently from year to year and there is no right or wrong! Even meltdowns are okay! Grief is such that the day-to-day emotions can change frequently and with that, holidays, anniversaries, death days and times of year that are relevant to you/your loved one can become especially challenging and unpredictable.
I’ve found that best practice is to honor whichever way I may be feeling no matter what that presents as. I begin by preparing my loved ones with a plan A and plan B; either giving me space if that is needed or being available for me to call upon to spend time or talk. I also protect myself and keep myself feeling safe by ensuring I have no pressing engagements, chores or tasks planned- including taking a day or two off from work. I do this every year! I can then decide what feels right in that moment. Do I stay in bed and watch movies all day? Or do I go out to eat with some friends? It’s all up to that day(s) experience and there is no obligation to anyone or anything.
Being able to prepare yourself for however you may react or feel AND including your loved ones is an opportunity to give yourself compassion and protection (of the emotional kind)! Don’t forget to give yourself grace to make mistakes, cry, get angry or react! Grief is powerful and you’re allowed to be ruled by it at times as long as you’re protecting against anything destructive. Also, don’t “expect” your inner circle to remember or support you in the proper ways suited to you. Unfortunately, when it comes to these days, they are in the forefront of OUR mind but we must be diligent about expressing our needs to others. This is not on top of mind for them and we must try to forgive them for that.
Practicing self-care on the hard days is absolutely essential. Go to your house of worship if it feels right! Visit your loved ones resting place! Stay in bed! Light candles and read a book! Some things may not be feasible at certain times, or you may worry about your kids, your job, your spouse etc. BUT the more people you have supporting you, in your circle, that can be all hands-on deck, will help lift some of these burdens and allow you to do something for yourself you might not otherwise get the chance to. Remember that you are ALIVE and you are important and you must take care of yourself on these days!
If you don’t have the necessary support or feel that life must go on regardless of your struggle, do little things for yourself; even if it’s JUST ONE little thing. Simply, do the best you can! Life happens and it moves on even when we are standing still in our grief. But as someone who has been at this for 24 years, I can say, it is possible to move forward. It is possible to find ways to take care of yourself and there are people out there that understand you and your grief without judgement or expectation. There are people who can be there for you that are just a phone call away!
If you’re struggling and you need help, contact Feather’s Journey for your free mini session Today! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!