Boundaries… a somewhat new concept that supports our mental health and mental well-being. I was recently given the idea to talk about boundaries, the importance of them and the ‘how to’ of sticking to them. Just setting boundaries is not enough; It’s imperative to understand the why and the value it brings into your life. As well, it is key that you decide what works and does not work for you personally. No one else is able to tell you how and what your boundaries should or should not be. This is a highly personal decision that you alone need to determine and understand. Well, with a little help from me of course!
When getting started with setting boundaries, it is first important to know the different areas where they can be established. Each area can be explored individually, and you can choose where you most want to focus your attention. One size DOES NOT fit all, so remember to pick what works best for you or areas you struggle with the most so you can assert boundaries to both yourself and the individual(s) around you.
– Physical Boundaries: This is concerning the proximity with which you allow others near you. This can be places you go/don’t go, sexually, physical touch (non-sexual) or whichever way helps you to feel safe and comfortable physically. An example would be if you’re dating and you want to establish boundaries for the beginning of relationships by telling your date you are not comfortable with anything more than hugging at this time. Be clear and direct and let the other person know you will communicate to them when you are safe and comfortable to move beyond hugging.
– Time Boundaries: Maybe one of the most important ones to heed with regard to our work/ life balance. In the United States, we have a tendency to over work ourselves way past the typical “9-5”. This is not the only realm that time can play a part in so make sure you are setting up boundaries which create healthy balance in the things that are important to you, when or how long you want to do certain activities. It can help to create a routine and be specific to the people around you. For example, tell your boss you will not be checking emails or text messages after 5pm, head to the gym and let your friends and family know you will be offline until 6pm when you’ve completed your workout.
– Conversational boundaries: This represents the topics with which we do not feel comfortable talking about. This can help to avoid disagreements, unnecessary tension and uncomfortable feelings. Topics usually center around religion, politics or sexual content. However, this can be inclusive of any subject matter. (Just be mindful not to alienate your romantic partner by avoiding conversations which are healthy to discuss in a relationship.) A good example of conversational boundaries is when going to family gatherings politics come up; the family divides and succumbs to intense arguing and disagreements. Simply let them know that you do not wish to discuss this topic and if they do so, you will have to remove yourself from the gathering for your own mental health and well-being. Again, remember to be clear and direct and articulate how you will handle things if they cross the boundary now and in the future.
– Relationship Boundaries: These are set WITH and in agreement of your relatives/family, romantic partners and/or [close] friends. It is very important to be mindful of other’s boundaries whilst they respect yours. It is best practice to establish them together, so everyone is comfortable, safe, heard and respected. This is the area with which we do not want to force or be forced to an agenda that makes anyone hurt or unsafe. An example of a boundary in a romantic relationship is explaining to your partner that you feel best when they can arrive on time to commitments so as to not trigger your anxiety. They agree they will make the effort to be more mindful of time and not be late to events.
– Personal Boundaries: This is the boundaries we specifically set for oneself. Personal boundaries require that you are constantly checking in with yourself to make sure you’re aware of how best to meet your own needs. This also means being aware of how we meet the needs of others in a healthy way. It takes a lot of introspection, self-love and compassion to find what works best. Remember that you can set and re-set personal boundaries as often as you need. There are no right or wrong answers on what works for you now, today, or what no longer serves you. Even if you believe something is important, and then you come to realize it’s not, you can simply disregard the boundary and find what is keeping you safe.
Now that we have explored the different types of boundaries and the best practices to handle each, we can explore HOW to stick with them. Probably the thing that people tend to struggle with the most. It is not simply enough to “draw the line” if we are constantly wavering, sacrificing and focusing on the needs of others before our own. Well, you might be asking “what is the point???”; if you first cannot understand the “why”, it will become impossible to stick to them because they will not feel important enough.
Secondly, if someone TELLS you what your boundaries should be, then obviously they are not coming from inside of you. When something this important is being forced on you, your mind will automatically reject it over time. Remember, it’s about you, yourself, feeling and understanding the importance and the reasons for the boundaries to protect your own safety and mental health.
The last reason I find that boundaries are hardest to stick with comes up when you tend to choose others’ needs over your own. This may be your boss’ needs at work, you justify this by worrying about getting fired and not having enough money; this may be your romantic partner’s needs, you worry that they will leave you if you don’t do x, y and z; this may show itself with your family, you’re afraid if you walk out of Thanksgiving dinner that you’ll miss out on moments with the other members you enjoy spending time with; or it may show up for you in a multitude of other ways in your life.
We can create endless reasons to choose others over ourselves but at the end of the day this is just damaging to us, and us alone. There is always another job out there, another partner that will love and respect your boundaries and work to keep you safe, and family who will come visit you because they miss you too! In no way is this meant to be or sound “easy” or simple, but it is POSSIBLE!
It might be hard on us at first to establish boundaries as we face all these possibilities that we wish we didn’t have to face. We may lose loved ones in the process and hurt other’s feelings. BUT do you want to invite people into your life or keep them there if they don’t want the best for you? Do you want them there if they cannot see this is for your health and well-being? Are you feeling triggered – your trauma about to boil into anxiety and panic as people choose their own needs over yours?
Remember your importance and worth and let go of the attachments of those individuals that are looking only to serve their own needs. Set your boundaries, communicate them to yourself and others clearly and concisely, with respect and love. Let them share how they’re feeling, their boundaries and what they are willing or not willing to do for their own well-being. It is also about the ability to recognize and respect others’ boundaries as well as your own. If you’re understanding and compassionate, you might find that your loved ones WANT to see you happy, healthy and safe and will completely understand what to place a limit on.
If you’re feeling unsure about what boundaries you need to set for yourself and cannot imagine your future after they’re established, contact me for one-on-one coaching at julia@feathersjourney.com. We can work together to find what works best for you and we can also work through the challenges faced after asserting your boundaries. There may be some growing pains and I can offer resources to moving forward with the mindset that will allow you to be the version you see for yourself! Happy boundary establishing and I look forward to hearing success stories and how this article has impacted you!
Well said. Glad you are in my corner.