If you have done some internal checking from Part 1 – Constructive Criticism, and you just can’t see that the person is trying to be constructive, the next step is to evaluate the situation itself. In this situation, are there other emotions at play that may be contributing to your perception of a put down? Are there factors at play that could be contributing to the person using harsh or critical sounding language?
It may seem odd to take a beat to evaluate a situation when you feel put down or criticized. However, have you ever been in an argument with your loved one and mis-heard or mis-communicated something because of the “heat of the moment”? Especially with those closest to us, this can happen all too often. Here is another scenario to illustrate the value of holding space for situational awareness. You’ve been working especially long hours at your new job and you’re dragging yourself into the house after a full 10-hour day. You feel tired, hungry, and as though you just want to veg. on the couch for the next couple hours before sleep. You hardly even have the capacity or bandwidth to decide on dinner, let alone anything else… we have all had these days. You walk through the door and your partner, who is also working a jam-packed schedule has a furrowed brow and a scrunched-up face. You sigh, you’re not ready for this. You say, “what’s wrong with YOU?”, maybe your tone was a little snippy because you are already bracing for the fight. Your partner retorts “Well, hello to you toooo.” “You know, we are both working long hours, but I just wish you would put away the laundry SOMETIMES! Or maybe even do a dish once in a while!” What you have heard and digested mentally, especially in your current mood, is that your partner said ‘You never do laundry or the dishes’. Maybe, you even take it a step further and feel like your partner is saying you don’t work hard or that you’re ‘useless’.
Here is where we are at choice. Tell your brain to STOP! Take a moment to evaluate the situation. You did come in the door hot. You did not greet your partner with love and respect. You shot first because you were bracing for the fight you did not even want to have… but inadvertently now created. Maybe you have read this scenario and you’re thinking to yourself, well… my partner should not come at me first thing as I walk through the door. But remember, we are at choice for our own actions, behaviors and reactions. We get to decide if we want to be frustrated and angry or to say something short and curt or sweet and loving. Can you see beyond the initial statement?
Look at what your partner might have experienced on their side? Can you redirect and say to your partner, “Honey, I see your frustrations. I think you feel how I feel after such a long day… you just want to veg. out and the responsibilities just keep piling high.” “Let me get some dinner in my stomach, watch a show and then I can pitch in once I have gotten settled.” You can even take the opportunity to address that you wish your partner could express their own frustrations more clearly to you – possibly not as you’re walking through the door after a long day. Express clearly how they made you feel so they can also understand your point of view as you listen to theirs and try to communicate yourself clearly. To hear and be heard, a give and take, an ebb and a flow. There is value in both yours and others opinions, viewpoints, emotions – in all of you and them that is offered. This may seem like an impossible feat; a hard ask. But, if we take the time to breathe and evaluate ‘put downs’ and ‘criticisms’ we may see that the people around us are motivated by their own fears, frustrations, circumstances and other emotions. We may even find that we ourselves are also responding from these places inside of us. This also can happen equally in ANY type of situation or relationship dynamic: professionally, personally with family, friends and partners. You just never know what another person is going through… unless you ask!
In Part 3, we will explore further criticisms and put downs and how to handle them. If Part 1 and Part 2 still have not yet resonated with you, stay tuned for more! You just might find what you’re looking for. As always, don’t forget to leave your feedback and to check out the recorded reading on YouTube at www.youtube.com/@feathersjourney.