Let’s dive right in to the last area to explore regarding put downs and consistent criticism you might experience from another person. The area in which, I believe, is the most difficult for us as human beings to emotionally digest and be at peace with. The kind that comes from our inner circle or loved ones.
Imagine the same scenario we played out in Part 2, you walk into your home after a long, 10-hour day at your new job. Remember your partner’s demeanor from the previous example. This time, you sigh bracing for what is to come and say, “Hello, how was your day today? Is everything alright?” Your partner retorts, “No stupid, everything’s not ‘alright’ when I must come home to a mess because you’re so useless you don’t know how to wash a dish or fold laundry?” “I have told you time and time again, and yet your thick head just cannot allow that I NEED HELP. It’s no wonder you got ‘laid off’ from your last job”. Well, yes- if you were thinking it- this can also be applied to situational awareness as it is also potentially fueled by emotions, fears, or circumstances. However, your partner’s response is targeted, name calling and trying to hit on buttons to incite an emotional response from you; in other words, unnecessarily harmful and hurtful.
Firstly, what does helping out around the house have anything to do with getting laid off from a position? Secondly, why use rude words like ‘useless’, no matter how angry or upset your partner might be? This language is NOT and never is okay! When it comes from a stranger or someone we are not connected to, it is more easily disregarded or left behind. But, when this kind of talk comes from those closest to us, it is potentially the most upsetting and harmful and is a large cause for concern. So, what can you do?
Remember, you are ALWAYS at choice. You could easily come back at your partner with rude and hurtful words, screaming and yelling or even silence. None of which are productive. They do not clearly communicate and express your feelings and issues with the situation. Which is the ONLY way anyone will truly know and understand you and your feelings**(see below). That which would be the first step in the process; clearly stating to your partner your boundaries, triggers and how you want to be treated and spoken to. Imagine saying something like this, “I see that you’re clearly very upset. However, I do not wish to be spoken to in this manner. I am not useless and my lay off has nothing to do with the chores around the house or how you perceive me doing or not doing them.” “If you have something bothering you and you would like to communicate that to me, please do so when you are calm and we can have a conversation about that. In the meantime, I am going to excuse myself to go make dinner.” “I am not happy with the way in which I have been spoken to or treated and it is unacceptable in the future.”
I can imagine what you’re thinking, yeah right! I would never be calm enough or thoughtful enough to express that in the moment! Obviously, the situation may prevent you from speaking in that more staged and written out response. But think about this, you can always remove yourself, calm down, and then formulate a response just like that on your own! Ask your partner to sit down and have a meaningful discussion with you on ‘what just happened’. Anything is possible!!! You choose how you respond and react to every situation, consciously or otherwise.
If you are feeling ‘this is so me’, you might be thinking, well I have already tried that! I have had that conversation so many times that I am just wasting my breath now. Read on to Part 4b to learn more about handling this type of situation and what you can do. As always, don’t forget to leave your feedback and to check out the recorded reading on YouTube at www.youtube.com/@feathersjourney.
**Even when it is ‘obvious’, it’s never recommended to have anyone guess or assume it is common sense to not act with bad behavior or treat us the way we think is right (sans any type of physical violence). Why is this important? Or how does this make sense to you? Maybe your partner’s care giver called them useless growing up and that is the only way in which your partner knows and understands love. Is it for you to fix? Does that make it acceptable? No, it is not/does not. However, it is up to you to clearly express the way in which you want and deserve to be treated or receive love as that is the only way to ensure you get what you require.